Descend to Compliancy
SONG: Billie Eilish - Getting Older
An internal battle
An insufferable screech
The piercing cries of my own plead
A fight I keep initiating
Taking faults so naturally
Conditioned to be the cause
Burnt to bits and lying soulless like something massacred
Yet the fear of a life yet to be lived perusing my past coldly
And the bitterness eats at me; hardens my soul
How long
How long
How long
Till what I do is right?
Tears were shed but never the shame
Whatever trace of life clinging to my bone
An indicator of my worth and the worth of my years
An insufferable screech
The piercing cries of my own plead
A fight I keep initiating
Taking faults so naturally
Conditioned to be the cause
Burnt to bits and lying soulless like something massacred
Yet the fear of a life yet to be lived perusing my past coldly
And the bitterness eats at me; hardens my soul
How long
How long
How long
Till what I do is right?
Tears were shed but never the shame
Whatever trace of life clinging to my bone
An indicator of my worth and the worth of my years
My decaying eyes and ears that held hope and love once
For the stories told, but most, for the people listening
All the souls that heard and agreed
The empaths that lent an ear and yet somehow forgot
And out falls the feeling they got that now determines what I am
Better yet, who I am - but to them
Whatever the witchery of misunderstanding brewed up in their mindless heads
Now an ever-rotting image of me that they carry
For the stories told, but most, for the people listening
All the souls that heard and agreed
The empaths that lent an ear and yet somehow forgot
And out falls the feeling they got that now determines what I am
Better yet, who I am - but to them
Whatever the witchery of misunderstanding brewed up in their mindless heads
Now an ever-rotting image of me that they carry
What could I possibly do now?
All the good I am, all the good I have been
Killed by the vermin of a perceived self-righteousness
So much so that I wonder if our Gods are the same
I can take it, I could and I did
But I can't help but wonder
Of all that I did, of all that I could do
Of the pain, confusion, and worry I carried through,
Of the loneliness of the burden I carry
You who never saw such misery
Chose to strike me out and leave me blinded
And in the lonesomeness that I had feared
Alone did I die
And every last second of living spent wondering
Did the hurt I caused necessitate my death?
All the good I am, all the good I have been
Killed by the vermin of a perceived self-righteousness
So much so that I wonder if our Gods are the same
I can take it, I could and I did
But I can't help but wonder
Of all that I did, of all that I could do
Of the pain, confusion, and worry I carried through,
Of the loneliness of the burden I carry
You who never saw such misery
Chose to strike me out and leave me blinded
And in the lonesomeness that I had feared
Alone did I die
And every last second of living spent wondering
Did the hurt I caused necessitate my death?
It irked me then and irks me still
For your hurt was never on my will
The cries I made to my Gods on earth, you did hear
And the cold era of ever-lasting abandonment ensued
My actions to you remained the same
As best as I can manage, as best as I can ever be
But your hatred spread
So infectious and lethal
And in the singularity did I find myself again
What I did was no longer mine
But interpretations and assumptions from your hurting mind
Oh but I tried
I tried and then again
Till I was bruised and weary
Cold and heavy
I would reach out but you'd run
For your hurt was never on my will
The cries I made to my Gods on earth, you did hear
And the cold era of ever-lasting abandonment ensued
My actions to you remained the same
As best as I can manage, as best as I can ever be
But your hatred spread
So infectious and lethal
And in the singularity did I find myself again
What I did was no longer mine
But interpretations and assumptions from your hurting mind
Oh but I tried
I tried and then again
Till I was bruised and weary
Cold and heavy
I would reach out but you'd run
Heroically, your empathy extended selectively
To sob stories and broken people who you could carry
And in the silence do I sit
Away from the heaviness of your expectations
And yet still suffocating
The painting of me I showcased
Now burnt and thrown away
The rats sleep on it as if to say
Whatever version I would present
Could never be enough anyway
So I sink forever into our past
Paralyzed but conscious
Painfully aware of what has been and what could be
But stuck in the lost hope of what can never be.
To sob stories and broken people who you could carry
And in the silence do I sit
Away from the heaviness of your expectations
And yet still suffocating
The painting of me I showcased
Now burnt and thrown away
The rats sleep on it as if to say
Whatever version I would present
Could never be enough anyway
So I sink forever into our past
Paralyzed but conscious
Painfully aware of what has been and what could be
But stuck in the lost hope of what can never be.
~ ៷
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