It's here, Winter.

playlist

A familiar scent of blissful childhood lingers in the air; the season of pendulums. 

1. One end of nostalgic warmth, like the moments I felt loved and seen. The other end stabbing me with the old dagger of disbelief. And you were in between.

2. The chill of winter reminds me of the warmth of comfort. I edge closer to believing in love and the fear of rejection fades into the background. I feel like myself or at least, what I imagine myself to be.

3. Then, the pendulum swings back and into the blue I drown; a sudden hit of reality.  Muted, suffocated, trapped by the deafening silence. The cold gnaws at my skin and bruises my senses. Out cold, ashamed, lost, and empty. 

4. Then it gets better. I slip out somehow although knowing I'll fall back soon. You pull me from the wretchedness and I feel light and hopeful. This has to be the end.

5. The bliss in being loved blinded me from the truth that hid beneath the banter. Silently wishing yet verbally cursing us to the brink of tragedy. It's good so far, we're good so far, but what lies beyond this goodness?

6. Just as quickly as I am pushed to happiness am I thrown to desperation. A whisper, a word, a sentence, a photograph, an array of everything going wrong.

7. You pull me back, nothing revealed yet everything concealed. The anxiety about the future creeps in. Get me out of this cycle.

8. Feigned emotions and gestures on New year's Day. An underlying fear of what might happen or rather, what no longer is. Questions with no answers and the ache of unsatiated curiosity. And for you, the pain of revealing the truth.

9. Then, as quickly as winter came, it goes and my soul dulls a little. The memories of our events replay as I prepare for the next season. What tragedy I might cause next? I don't understand either. But until then, 다시, 여름.

~ 🇳