living is to not be in control

lana del rey - for free

an old friend sent me a message today. he must be in despair. the last i heard from him, he was down and he was scared. i am the old banisters of my old school, i was glorified once but no longer, so i got him a chair. he was dealing with loss - i wanted to tell him, it's okay, i've been there.

the coincidence to have heard from him as i was grieving as well. almost a decade of knowing each other, to be parallels and then to meet when the pain coincides - it is tragic and it is rare. we believe in each other like silly kids and i tell him it will subside. all kinds of things will happen to us as we live to keep ourselves alive.

he tells me he liked the 14 year old me he had gotten to know best. i wish he knew me better now because that girl would have liked me better than the rest. but i was glad she was alive in him, i hope i am alive in other people as well. i wanted to tell him he was alive in me, and to keep alive even though life can make a mess.

a few weeks ago, i wanted to give up and so i went home. i ate food like my life depended on it, but isn't that always so? food to me was enemy but i've never allowed it to be the end of me. so, the same with pain then, and heartbreaks and grief. like the old friend i once turned away from, now to give them an embrace and to say to life, whatever comes i allow it - so set it free, set it free. 

~ ៷