I have been searching for God


When I was five
God was all the bigger things
the great sun before it set
wind when it blew fiercely
my mother holding me
my father's deep voice, bedtime stories
and when he came home from work
God was the chocolate in his socks
my body lifting from the car to the bed
Oswald, plastic Barbie dolls,
my baby sister Angie

Then I was fifteen
God was all the smaller things
a smile reciprocated
the mattress, softer
the boy next door, glimpses
my sister growing 3 more inches
my brother passing the ball
play-fighting on the bed
bruised arms putting posters on the wall
God was the cheesecakes I baked
the bleachers in the morning
the starfruit tree covering the sunset

Well, at twenty-three
I'll have you know
Life is not so grand, after all
the leaf falls because it is weak
the moon doesn't glow, it reflects beams
the chai is better today because of a lucky brew
not because of divine faith, or me, or you
sheets fresh and pressed
only to be thrashed by restlessness
God nowhere, He is missing from the shelf
So I asked around and tried to figure it out
well, unsurprisingly, not a faithful soul could tell me
but last night I bruised from a fall down the stairs
i got up and reached for the railing
and found God there

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