politics, God and dumb girl poet

Joni Mitchell - California

i dont know much about politics
i was told it is my biggest fault
well what if they knew, it's been a few
weeks without their collective God
my nose isn't used to the dust
collecting from my lack of time
or is it my laziness, regardless,
forget daily chores, 

i only know how to get by

haven't talked to my mother since
i moved out of my old apartment
dote on me in long letters mum
i do not have the life in me for short messages
selfish to say i want more when love is so freely given
to sit in front of my childhood God
to try and lose myself in prayer 
to feel my spirit might have gone
and left my gut emptier

if i lose God, i lose myself too 
so i hardly know who shows up in the mirror
how to say i am losing faith
without inciting demonic fear in the other
and my loss isn't honourable for in it's place isn't intellect 
it isn't politics, neither clarity nor knowledge 
a believer tells me to fast, survive on His love 
an atheist says wisest to leave it
to seek what is profound or to embrace stupidity
to be my best critic, to wallow in scrutiny
well if i am to meet God anywhere
i can only hope I might meet Him 

before I die, perhaps just at the cusp

to soothe my fear of death

and erase the vivid childish images 

of that awful, red hot hell.