a non-birthday dissolution

-

drunk on wine
my formidable friends
cooped up in this lonely room
unafraid
of difficult conversations
and its emotional landscape.

Emmett Sir takes the stage,
speaks at length about
being the head of a family
at this very tender age.

Mordechai on my shoulder
we make a promise
if we hang around too late on the shelf
we must marry once we turn 40.

And yes!
I make a declaration.
no man is enough for me,
so forget their wit and intellect.
I would like only,
to have someone who can hold 
space
for me, and my wild tangents,
and the crippling ruminations with ease.

Rin finds it hard to agree
and perhaps I should too
and it might be sooner than later
that I repeal my silly declaration.

Then she tells me to be selfish for myself
and Emmett Sir pours three shots to that.

my throat closes up
how to swallow such a daunting pill?
for I have loved others so very fiercely
in all the ways I know to love,
and yet when the loving is to be received,
I freeze and come undone.

silly non-birthday dissolution
being left with the gift of contemplation
by company who loved and left so quickly
and I, sighing,
not knowing how to strengthen my calves
or straighten my backbone
in this shrilly art of love and living. 



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

fathers, mothers, men & women

-
Lana Del Rey - Norman F Rockwell fathers without their mothers i mean, fathers without their wives burdens heavy on a daughter's shoulders are burdens a mother had her whole life fathers without their mothers are fathers without forgiving wives  if i had to scale the mountain and put you across,  id rather you just book a flight fathers without their mothers fathers and their unfortunate wives cleaning up after you, grumbling, crying until their work appeases you, they cannot look alive men without women women loving men men fawning over other women women forgiving men men will find all the reasons to leave and women will still find spaces to keep them; i loved a man once, twice and then a third, but after the fourth, it was clear; men will always just be men.  ~ ៷
Read more

you're a proper fella!

-
mordechai,  i cannot seem to write about myself,  so i must write to you the other night you called and i couldn't pick up it reminded me of the calls i sent you on the rooftop, turning 20 you were tipsy, i was a crying fool how much we've grown since then me lighter you heavier with love and gratitude i made chicken stew the other day it reminded me of you and the chicken you boiled in my crappy flat how you had all 3 kilograms, not one, not two you pat my head four times you said there's comfort in change well, say it once, and then again let it be the only constant thing for i was blue then now i have been five other colours one of them reminiscent of butter like the love you found just a month later an unexpected hue of happy on a bleak sheet of course, unruled paper mordechai, you're a proper fella! i always believed in you the last time i cried, it was only because i was so glad to meet you take care of yourself as you have i have happier tears due and if no one h...
Read more

a believing of the marrow

-
mei ehara - 悲しい運転手 I feel it with every fibre of my being— like the flesh that clings to the bone, not knowing about the marrow within, not knowing it is what keeps them alive — That life means something— Whatever meaning I choose to give it. Not as a god or a guru, but as someone trying, as someone clinging to the bone, believing in the marrow — that sweet, supple softness. And should the time come when I find that the bone is hollow, and that the marrow was a feeble thing to believe in like pinning hope for a better tomorrow, Well, it should only matter then that I had something to cling to. And I must decide that that is enough to die with to let life go.
Read more